Date: 2009-01-07 13:13 Subject: Rebecca & I Make Nice Security: Public Location: Talking out my butt Mood: content

6:45AM

A stern knocking at my door cracked my pre-workday silence.

I jerked and twitched spilling hot coffee on my hand and thigh, the life giving beverage missing my crotch by scant centimeters. My damn startle response! PTSD according to my therapist, but I have always been easily startled as far back as I can remember. But this is for another time.

I swore loudly and walked open to my door hoping to frighten off who ever was on the other side with my fiercest ogre face. Jerry my evangelical neighbor was grinning broadly at me. No luck in scaring him off. He thrives on the gentle adversarial nature of our friendship. At least he had coffee and muffins as per usual – cranberry as it turns out, and vegan in deference to my burgeoning new life style. Jerry is respectful and considerate.

Rebecca – my phlegm ball attacker from yesterday – was with him. I couldn’t read her face. She seemed less angry then yesterday, but I was not going to take any chances.

“Can we come in buddy?” Jerry asked.

“Is she going to hawk another loogie at me?”

Rebecca’s faced reddened.

“I think it is safe to say that yesterday was just a failure to communicate between two passionate and intelligent people. You are both reasonable.”

Reasonable! Since when is spitting gross bodily fluid at someone reasonable, unless it is between two or more consenting adults? Rebecca was gorgeous. I would consent to a couple of things I could think of, but phlegm in my face was where I drew the line…and golden showers. What is wrong with some people?

I nodded my consent.

Jerry and Rebecca came in and followed me to my living room.

Rebecca and I stared at each other silently over between sips of coffee and stuffing bits of muffin in our mouths. It seemed that neither of us wanted to be the first to speak – that means apologize. 

“I am sorry about yesterday,” I said.

Damn! I always end up apologizing first, especially if a woman is involved. I call it gentlemanly, but my therapist explains it as my narcissistic need to be liked by everyone. Sadly, that is true. I don’t like people mad at me.

Rebecca sat staring at me. She had a huge case of chipmunk cheeks. That woman really loves her muffins.

Chew

Chew

Chew

The fucking silence was getting to me. Throw me a life jacket. I did apologize after all.

Chew

Chew

“I wasn’t trying to…”

Rebecca put up a hand and swallowed hard.

“I shouldn’t have spit on you,” She said.

She took a sip of coffee.

“And I shouldn’t have called you an anti-Semite. You aren’t that kind of person.”

“Then what kind of a person am I?”

I never know when to leave well enough alone.

“An asshole,” she said with a grin spreading across her face.

“Bitch”

“Dick”

“Shrew!”

We both erupted in laughter. This is Rebecca I was familiar with.

Later Rebecca would concede that just because someone disagrees with the government of Israel it doesn’t make them anti-Semitic, especially if the person saying generally digs Jewish women. I do.

If you watch House you will know of who I speak. Olivia Wilde and Jennifer Morrison get a lot of attention, but the slender actress packed with tight curves and heavenly legs makes my heart skip a beat every time. Her ass looks great in a tight form fitting skirt too. And that smile…well her smile is a million mega watts of sunshine. 

I like Lisa Edelstein….I guess you can guess that. Laura Silverman – sister of Sarah – is also beautiful.



 

“Why is it that a guy can express his fascination with Asian, Black or Latina women for all kinds of stereotypical reasons such as their ghetto booties or their almond shaped eyes or exotic beauty, but if mentions that he loves Jewish women because you love their kinky curly hair and prominent noses you look like an asshole?” 

Rebecca laughed spitting muffin. That woman needs to learn to chew with her mouth closed – another than that she is perfect. 

“Women are sensitive about certain things,” She said, “our noses, hips; asses are all very sensitive topics. I don’t think its just Jewish woman who get upset about their noses.”

That is true. I love large, prominent noses. It doesn’t matter who. Melanie Blatt of the all girl band, All Saints is another woman whose face I adore.

“You have always had a thing for my nose,” Rebecca said. Actually I have had a thing for her – period – since I first met her when we were 21. She was a waitress at a local bar and I worked in the kitchen tossing pizzas and deep frying all kinds of fattening delights.

We even dated for a short while. I guess that would explain why she hawked a wet booger at me yesterday.  My current girlfriend of Six years is a part Jewish. I just seem to be attracted to Jewish woman and they seem to like me despite my obvious character flaws.

“I think I should be sent to the Middle East to negotiate peace,” Jerry said. He was obviously proud that he had brought two warring friends back together. I didn’t have it in my heart to tell him that we already liked each other. Fighting is just part of our “thing,” although the spitting thing was new.

“Coffee, muffins and a comfortable couch is probably all that is needed over there,” Rebecca said.

That’s so crazy it just might work!