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Step 3 – Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him.

~from the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous

I’ve been told by some well meaning and some not so well meaning people over the years that my atheism is a distraction to other group members who are serious about their recovery, the implication being that because I am a non-believer in deity that I am not serious.  Some have even gone to lengths to suggest that I not participate in Al-Anon or AA as I am harming others, which I always take to mean I struck a nerve with them. They appeared to be distracted by me. All I could do was extend an apology. It was hurtful, but at least I understood that the issue was them and their belief not my non-belief. It was for them to resolve not mine to acquiesce to.

First of all, I respect everyone’s beliefs including the god of their understanding. Al-Anon is not a place for idle theological or metaphysical speculation.  I never attempt to violate the sanctity of the meeting or principals by doing so. I don’t cross talk, I don’t question and I never give advice. In fact, I extend these principals to my life outside the group.  Giving advice to someone is like saving their life. Once you do it you become responsible for the advice you give. No thank you. That has blown up in my face once too often.  

Secondly, I am simply responding according to my personal experience, which is just as valid as any theist’s experience. Thirdly, if you don’t want to deal with the non-belief of other group members then don’t open it up for discussion.  Several years ago I contemplated quitting Al-Anon because the flack I would get after the meeting each time a god related step was being discussed was becoming annoying to the point of my own distraction. Instead I just kept my mouth shut and chose to not weigh in while others discussed the god of their understanding. Sadly, I was becoming jaded and quite cynical.

Then something wonderful happened. I learned that I was not the only non-believer in Al-Anon. In fact, in some cities non-believers have gathered into their own regular weekly meetings. Once again the program taught me that I was not terminally unique. There were others, just like me, who had similar thoughts and experiences.  And despite non-belief they too found that the program worked for them and that the insights it provided were healing and helpful.

 I started testing the waters again when the subject of god or a higher power came up. Fortunately, non-believers have been coming out of the atheist closet in recent years. Atheism and skepticism are starting to come back into fashion despite that we are still a statistical minority in this country. These days when I choose to share it is not uncommon for someone to come up to me after a meeting and thank me, whereas in the past I might be criticized or even challenged.

Frankly, god or no god, the efficacy of the Al-Anon program remains the same. Otherwise I would have left it. The program and the fellowship it offers has helped to restore me to a place of sanity and serenity.  I have shared my thoughts previously about the “god of my understanding” and the oxymoronic subjectivity of that statement. I won’t address it further at this point.

The critics in the past actually violated at least two of the Twelve Traditions. The first is the 5^th tradition which states that Al-Anon exists to provide help and comfort to family members (and individuals) and to provide support in dealing with Alcoholism. In no way were my early critics helpful or comforting. They were lucky they didn’t get punched in the face considering my poor anger management skills in those days.  

I would also make an argument that the tenth tradition was violated as well. Their criticism – at least from those who were not well intentioned – could have engaged us in a controversy had I been a little more contentious.  At that point in my life I had been broken down and brought low that I was not interested in a fight. All I wanted was a place where others might listen as I attempted to work things out for me.

What is it about human discourse that seems to bespeak a need to persuade others to our particular point of view? Why must we seek validation through the belief of others versus being content to allow others beliefs to unfold through their own experience?